A sick story

I got sick the other day so I took to my bed. I think it took to me too. I spent the time laying back and gazing into empty space. Actually I watched daytime television but it amounts to the same thing. I couldn't eat a thing and lost two stone. I found them later, under the bed. I was so weak that I didn't have enough energy to go to sleep. I lay awake wondering what the cat had wanted to know before curiosity killed it. I was sleepy for a while, then I went through the other six dwarfs and ended up grumpy. Finally I fell asleep, and slept so fast I reached dawn before the sun.

I went to the doctor. He said: " I haven't seen you for a long time." I said: "No, I've been well." He said I looked a bit depressed. I told him I wasn't, only my face was miserable. I told him about my sore throat, he said: "I have a sore throat too." I told him about the fever I had. He said: "I have a fever too." I told him that I ached all over. He said: "I ache all over too, I wonder what we've got." Then he told me that I was ill and gave me the pills to prove it. He told me to take them half an hour before I woke up. I asked him if I was going to die from this illness. He said "Relax, you'll probably die from whatever your father died of." Now I'm really worried. Dad was torn to pieces by a rabid rottweiller. The Doctor said that I had hypochondria, see I knew I was ill. I said: "Doc, isn't there anything you can do for me?" He said: "I can give you a whole body amputation." I said: "I'll take it."

My Doctor is an expert in holistic phrenology. That's a bit like ordinary phrenology but he feels the whole body. He told me to go behind the screens and take my clothes off. I asked him where I should put them he said: "Over here, next to mine."

On the way home I saw a funeral. A man was standing at the kerbside, cap in hand. I asked him who died. He said it was the one in the coffin. I asked if the deceased had had a good life. The man assured me that he had lived it right up until the day he died. Then I noticed that he only had on one shoe. "Lost a shoe?" I asked. "No, just found one," he said. You can observe a lot just by watching. I asked him had he lived here all his life. "Not yet," he said. The man was obviously mad. "What kind of idiot are you," I exclaimed in exasperation. "How many kinds are there?" he asked. "How stupid can you get!" I muttered under my breath. He heard me. "I'm not sure," the man replied, " I don't thinkI've peaked yet.

I thought I'd take home some sausages for my tea. I found a shop, the sign outside said: "H. Johnson, High Class Family Butcher." The shop was closed, Johnson was probably out butchering high class families. I thought, "never mind, I'll go without tea." I've been putting on a lot of weight lately. I used to be 7lb 8oz. I decided to put the money away instead. I'm planning to take my wife up the Trossachs, I believe its legal now.

When I got home there was a reminder card from the blood donor service. It read: "Please don't forget to come." And I thought they only needed blood.