Spurious and curious thoughts from a demented mind

24 October 2006

What I did on my holidays



No, it isn't me doing the acrobatics. What I did on my holidays was take pictures of people exerting themselves from a sunbed at a safe distance. More of my photography and illustrations can be seen at my deviantArt pages

10 October 2006

Town and Council preposterous bye-laws act 1993

Town and Parish councils in England and Wales are required, by law, to have at least one preposterous bye-law on their statute books. The laws, the act states, although enforcable should not be acted upon except for publicity purposes, and for the general amusement of town and parish councillors.

An amendment to the act was added in 1994 to prevent parish councils abusing the spirit of the act and "placing unreasonable and draconian burdens" on parishoners. (See Puxton.) Due to the 1994 amendment, it is now illegal for a town or parish council to pass laws that:

• make it legal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle;
• make it illegal for boogers to be flicked into the wind;
• prevent villagers carrying ice cream cones in their back pockets;
• restrict villagers from wearing cowboy boots unless at least two cows are owned by the villager;
• punish toad licking;
• legislate against men being seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown;
• make it lawful to collect parking fees for elephants;
• make it unlawful to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M;
• insist that all residents must own a rake;
• making "Spiteful Gossip" and "talking behind a person's back" illegal;
• fining residents who wish to fish from a camel's back;
• punish people for making faces at dogs.

A 1995 amendment also made it illegal to force one-armed piano players to perform for free.

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19 September 2006

Insurance claims

You don't say...

"I hit a giant plastic mouse coming down the car park ramp".

Q? Could anything have been done to avoid the accident?
A? I could have travelled by train.

"Windscreen broken. Don't know how. Could be Black Magic".

"My wife pulled my hair causing me to turn into a lamp standard".

"I didn't make a note of the witnesses names as in their ignorance they said I was at fault".

"The witness gave his occupation as a gentleman".

"I sounded my horn, but it didn't work as it had been stolen".

"The wheels went into a ditch, and my foot jumped from the brake to the accelerator, leapt across the ditch and hit a tree trunk".

"I am very interested in keeping the vehicle, and would like you to consider a 'cash in loo' settlement".

"I was travelling along at 70mph on my motorcycle when my girlfriend reached around and squeezed my testicles causing me to lose control".

"I was not aware that the speed limit applied after midnight".

Q? Do you engage in any pastimes of a dangerous nature?
A. I watch Noel's House Party and Beadle's About.

"I had one eye on a girl on the pavement, another on a parked lorry, and another on the approaching traffic".

"I was crossing from Edgware Road to Park Lane in the direction of Margate".

"There were plenty of on-lookers but not one decent witness".

"My car was stolen. I made a human cry but it has not come back".

"On entering Wales I blew my horn at the right hand corner".

"I slept in the tramlines and skidded on Friday".
"The other driver turned into a coal sack".

"None of the parties' know me, so my evidence is immaterial".

"I will pay more when I do some more time".

"I left my Austin 7 outside. When I came back I was amazed to see an Austin 12".

"I cannot give details of the accident as I was concussed at the time".

"She saw me and lost her head".

"I told the other idiot exactly what he was and drove on".

"I was going to the hospital with rear end problems when my viscous coupling fell off causing me to have the accident".

"I couldn't get any witnesses to admit seeing the incident until after it happened".


It jumped out in front of me...

"I had been to the garden centre to buy some plants. As I reached the junction a tree sprang up blocking my view so I didn't see the other car".

"The shopper reversed around the corner, denting his car on a signpost. Luckily for him the signpost offered 'free quotes for accident repairs'".

"A signpost hit my car bending it in two places".

"As the lamp post approached I tried to swerve out of the way, but I hit the front end".

"At the junction, a stop sign appeared where there wasn't one before. I couldn't stop in time and hit the other car".

"I hit a telephone pole hiding behind a human".

"I was keeping in line with the left hand lamp posts. A bend in the road brought a right hand lamp post in line with the others and of course I ended up in the river".

"The gate-post will testify there was no damage to the car".


And finally...

Our Birmingham Branch sent a client his new "TRANSIT" policy but this was sent back saying that surely a mistake had been made as he ran a Mercedes"

28 June 2006

Just the facts Mam

Did you know Kylie Minogue is half Welsh? Or that Rolf Harris was born in Cardiff? Did you know that a Welsh mathematician invented the equals sign? No? Then you need Ffaith.

Ffaith, Welsh for fact, is BrynmawrScene's latest project. It is a coffee-time compendium of Welsh fact that anyone can edit. Even you... especially you. We have over three hundred pages in our compendium so far but we haven't even scratched the surface of Welsh achievement. And we need your help.

Pop over and have a read, if you spot anything or anyone we haven't got around to yet start a new article - full instructions are included on the site. We aren't looking for long encyclopedic entries, we're leaving that to the Welshpedia, just a paragraph or two with the salient facts will do.

Ffaith can be found here: ffaith.brynmawrscene.net

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15 June 2006

Silly suds

A friend of mine accidently put his memory stick through the wash yesterday. He says it still works but now it's got all his missing socks on it.

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